WASHINGTON — The Environmental Protection Agency is changing its name to the Environmental Pollution Agency, after staff finally admitted the old name was confusing people.
The best part? Nobody has to order new business cards. The acronym stays the same.
The switch caps off more than a year of environmental deregulation under President Donald Trump and EPA Administrator Lee Zeldin. Back in March 2025, the agency rolled out 31 deregulatory actions in a single day and called it the biggest deregulatory action in U.S. history.
Zeldin went a step further and called it the greatest day of deregulation America had ever seen. The list went after rules on power plants, oil and gas, mercury and other toxic air pollution, greenhouse gas reporting, and wastewater.
That was the warm-up act.
New name, new motto, same smell
The logo is staying, mostly. Designers are reportedly testing a version where the little flower gets swapped for a smokestack. The proposed new motto: "Have you tried not breathing so much?"
The mission statement got a light touch-up, too. It still says the agency protects human health and the environment. There's just a new asterisk at the end, and the fine print reads unless Big Oil would rather we didn't.
Some offices are getting new names. The Air Quality Division is now the Air Availability Division, and its job is to make sure Americans have access to some kind of atmosphere. Quality not guaranteed.
The Office of Water will be called the Office of Exciting New Liquids.
The Office of Enforcement and Compliance Assurance will be rented out to Spirit Halloween every October, since nobody's using the building anyway. The Office of Chemical Safety is moving to a folding table in the parking garage. On the bright side, it's well ventilated.
Carbon dioxide cleared of all charges
In February 2026, the EPA finalized the repeal of the 2009 Endangerment Finding, the scientific determination that greenhouse gases threaten public health. The same rule wiped out federal greenhouse gas standards for cars, trucks, and engines.
The EPA's press office called it the "single largest deregulatory action in U.S. history." If that sounds familiar, it's because the agency said nearly the same thing in March 2025.
This EPA breaks its own deregulation record the way some people set a new personal best at the buffet.
Carbon dioxide took the news well. After 17 years of getting blamed for climate change, the gas put out a short statement: "I'd like to thank the administration for believing in me when the overwhelming majority of climate scientists did not."
Under the rule, vehicle and engine makers no longer have to measure, control, or report greenhouse gas emissions from highway vehicles going forward.
This is a real breakthrough. If you stop measuring a problem, the problem gets a lot quieter. Imagine the possibilities for the rest of us.
Cholesterol high? Skip the bloodwork.
Basement floodwaters rising? Throw out the ruler.
Check engine light on? That's what electrical tape is for.
Asteroid headed for Earth? Defund NASA and enjoy the view.
Coal gets a spa weekend
Coal is having a fantastic year.
In February, the EPA repealed the Biden administration's 2024 updates to the Mercury and Air Toxics Standards for coal- and oil-fired power plants and went back to the older rules. The agency says that saves about $670 million.
A quick refresher on mercury: it's a neurotoxin. It damages the brain and the nervous system. But sure, let's hear its side of the story.
Then on Sept. 14, at the G20 Energy Abundance Ministerial in Houston (a real event I did not make up), Zeldin announced the repeal of most of the Biden-era greenhouse gas rules for power plants. The agency projects $310 billion in savings from that alone. He also proposed scrapping every greenhouse gas standard left for the power sector.
According to the EPA, coal production for power plants is expected to increase more than tenfold.
Tenfold.
While other countries build solar farms and battery plants, America went up to the attic, found a lump of coal in an old Christmas stocking, and yelled "WE'RE BACK!"
That same press release contains my favorite sentence of the year. It claims that "if all carbon dioxides were eliminated tomorrow, there would be no meaningful climate impact."
All carbon dioxides. Plural. Like there's a whole extended family of them and they all showed up for Thanksgiving.
Please stop being so negative about pollution
Critics say the Environmental Pollution Agency has lost sight of its mission. That's unfair. The agency cares deeply about the environment. That's where the drilling happens.
The EPA is also taking another look at methane rules for oil and gas, greenhouse gas reporting, and wastewater rules for drillers. Its 2026 budget request talks up more flexibility for reusing oil and gas "produced water," which is the industry's polite name for its wastewater. Ideas on the table include cooling data centers, fighting fires, generating power, and irrigating crops.
Irrigating crops. With oil field wastewater. Pass the salad.
In June, the agency also changed how it reviews other agencies' environmental impact statements, saying its comments had gotten too broad and were slowing projects down. Here's how the new, faster review works:
Project: Giant chemical plant next to a river.
Environmental concern: The river.
EPA response: Is the river maybe being a little dramatic?
Permit: Approved.
Fresh words for old smog
The administration has clearly been spending time with a thesaurus. Regulations are "barriers" now. Fossil fuels are "energy dominance." Deregulation is "common sense." And coal, according to an actual EPA press release, is "beautiful clean coal."
Read more: The Energy Independence Myth: Why Drilling More Oil Can't Lower Your Gas Prices
If we keep going that way, the Clean Air Act could be renamed the Affordable Respiratory Flexibility Act. The Clean Water Act becomes the Freedom From Excessive Moisture Regulation Act. And climate change gets rebranded as Seasonal Weather Plus™, now with bonus hurricanes.
Honestly, the new name fits
Give the Environmental Pollution Agency credit for one thing: this is the cheapest rebrand in government history. The email addresses still work. Nobody has to repaint the sign out front. Whoever answers the phone can keep saying "EPA, how can I help you?" and technically be telling the truth.
For more than half a century, the EPA ran on the sweet, old-fashioned idea that its job was to protect the environment. In 2026, it throws a press conference every time it breaks another deregulation record.
At least now the name matches the work.
This article is satire. The policy changes, dollar figures, and EPA press release quotes are real. The name change, the renamed offices, the motto, the smokestack logo, and anything said by carbon dioxide are not.
