Take a moment to imagine: A convoy of idling buses, engines humming, ready to escort “all immigrants” out of the United States.
Every last one.
No exceptions.
A clean sweep, they say.
Finally, the country will be “pure,” “restored,” “real.”
The hats are red, the voices are loud, and the historical amnesia is Olympic level.
Now comes the awkward part. Who exactly is left standing when the dust settles?
Short answer: not them.
Long answer: definitely not them.
If “all immigrants” means everyone whose family came from somewhere else, then the logical end point is a country populated solely by Native Americans. That’s it. Roll credits.
Everyone else is packing a bag, including the folks yelling the loudest about who “belongs” here. The irony is not subtle; it is a marching band in full uniform playing a brass solo called You Came Here Too.
Reality Check
Let’s do a brief reality check, since facts are apparently the enemy of vibes. According to genetic, archaeological, and historical evidence, Indigenous peoples lived in North America for tens of thousands of years before Europeans showed up uninvited with smallpox, muskets, and paperwork declaring ownership.
The rest of us arrived later. All of us. Whether your ancestors came in the 1600s, the 1800s, or last Tuesday, the math does not change.
The U.S. Census Bureau estimates that roughly 98 percent of people currently living in the United States are descendants of immigrants who arrived after 1492.
The remaining roughly 2 percent identify as Native American or Alaska Native, and even that figure includes people with mixed ancestry.
If deportation “purists” want to be consistent, they are arguing for the removal of about 331 million people, give or take.
Congratulations, you have reinvented the apocalypse and called it patriotism.
Immigrants, including undocumented immigrants, contribute more in taxes over the long term than they consume in public benefits. —Data from National Academies of Sciences
“But my family came legally!” someone inevitably shouts, as if legality were a time machine. News flash: legality is a policy choice made by governments, not a moral essence passed down through bloodlines.
For most of U.S. history, immigration law was either nonexistent or explicitly racist. White Europeans wandered in with minimal restriction, while Asians were barred outright, Africans were kidnapped, and Indigenous people were pushed off their land.
If your great-great-grandparents strolled through Ellis Island, they benefited from a system that was welcoming to them precisely because it was hostile to others. That is not a badge of honor. It is a receipt.
Then there’s the economic fairy tale, the one where immigrants are somehow stealing jobs while also refusing to work, draining public resources while also propping up entire industries.
Pick a lane!
Data from the National Academies of Sciences shows that immigrants, including undocumented immigrants, contribute more in taxes over the long term than they consume in public benefits.
The Social Security Administration estimates that undocumented workers contribute billions of dollars annually to Social Security through payroll taxes they will never collect. That’s not theft.
That’s a donation with a gag order.
Immigrants also make the economy larger. The Congressional Budget Office has repeatedly found that immigration increases GDP growth, helps stabilize an aging workforce, and supports everything from agriculture to health care.
Nearly one in four doctors in the U.S. is an immigrant. So is a massive share of farmworkers, construction workers, and caregivers. Deport them all and enjoy your new lifestyle: empty hospitals, rotting crops, unfinished homes, and a very quiet economy wondering where everyone went.
But satire demands we follow the logic all the way down the rabbit hole. So let’s imagine the deportation plan succeeds. Airports are jammed. Ports are empty.
The Statue of Liberty is gently escorted onto a boat for harboring dangerous ideas about tired, poor people yearning to breathe free. Eventually, the shouting stops because there’s no one left to shout at. The land remains. The irony settles in. And standing on that land are Native Americans, looking at each other like, “So… now what?”
Here’s the part that really seems to sting the anti-immigrant crowd: acknowledging that America is a nation of immigrants does not erase anyone’s culture, hard work, or identity. It simply removes the fantasy that they arrived by divine appointment.
The story of the United States is not purity. It is movement. Forced movement, hopeful movement, desperate movement, ambitious movement. Boats, trains, wagons, borders crossed and recrossed. The country didn’t succeed in spite of this chaos. It succeeded because of it.
Calling for mass deportation isn’t about economics or law. It’s about fear dressed up as certainty. It’s about clinging to a fictional past where the country was simpler, whiter, and quieter, and pretending that complexity itself is the problem.
History does not support that fantasy. Data does not support it. Logic sets it on fire and walks away.
So the next time someone demands that “all immigrants” be deported, feel free to nod thoughtfully and ask a gentle follow-up question: “Great. After Native Americans remain, where should everyone else go?” Watch the gears grind. Enjoy the silence.
Satire doesn’t need to exaggerate when reality already does the heavy lifting.
